Dear Penis, Let Me Explain…

Dear Penis-Marriage-sex life-romance

Dear Penis, I can explain…


Lately, you’ve been feeling neglected. I can tell from the surprise helicopters and the daily morning that’s not a gun in my pocket pokes.

I’m sorry dear penis,

I do miss you too. It’s not that I don’t like you anymore,

It’s just; it used to be so easy. You, me and a passion tryst at any time we saw fit. Now it’s our eyes meet, and with a toddler pull at the leg, the chance is missed.

Sure, I’ll admit after eight we could mate but often too exhausted your left to bate.

I’m sorry, dear penis,


It might help if you didn’t dribble on the bathroom floor or splash on the toilet seat every time my husband takes you out for a leak, I mean what’s with that anyhow?

You were made to aim, JUST AIM!

Husband-Bathroom-Humor-Dear Penis-marriage-sex life after kids

You might find me more interested if you learned how to pick up a little.

Now I realize you lack arms and hands to do so, so that I won’t hold that against you. But hey, you’re attached to my husband, give him a little nudge in the right direction. Will yah?

Please my dear penis, if you feel him falling asleep on the couch as I run after the kids, cook and clean could you rise to attention and let him know if he wants you to aim successfully toward me, he might want to help out a little more.

You see, my dear penis, my day is filled with tears and tantrums. Battles of the wills, daunting never ending chores and a game we call “Mommy thought she could sit down!”

Dear Penis-Let me explain-humor-spouse-marriage-bathroom humor-funny-married life-love-parenthood

Let me explain, dear penis,

It’s not that I don’t like you anymore nor that I belittle what my husband does. He too works every day and finds the lust even so.

Though, to my defense, when your day is filled with meltdowns and battles on toddler hill and your daily to do’s run the risk of poo in your hair, pee on the walls and food on the floor, you tend to forget how relieving a tryst with your lover can be to end it all.

My dear sweet penis, we will meet again. This I promise you so.

We shall meet in the likeliest of scenarios, where wife gives in to put you at bay in time for Scandal to come on.

Don’t give up on me dear penis,

I still love you so.

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7 thoughts on “Dear Penis, Let Me Explain…

  1. LOL!!! Too funny and true. Married life with the kids is a challenge and you have to get creative but when you think about it you are just so tired to implement it. Just know you are not alone…

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